Before we get into the meat of it, let me first give you some context on my mental health at the time when all this clicked, which is separate from the time of writing. I came back from the UK in September 2022. I spent October to February finding jobs, and giving interviews, until I got a job in February. But during that time, I was grappling with the idea of not being able to stay in the UK, not getting a job, and another sneaky aspect – I had gotten to live my solitary life in the UK, which I enjoyed, and now I was back with my family. I was a completely changed person, and even my parents took a lot of time to figure out what happened to the person they sent to the UK; now he was so different and changed, alone and separated. This all took me into a downward spiral, so I consulted with a therapist about these issues, saying I am unable to form any sort of meaningful relations or connections, neither on a top level nor a deeper level. I said it feels like if someone dies, I am completely disconnected. But this specific thing of not caring for other people, giving them a middle finger for no reason, and complete disconnect, had roots since my teenage years, and over the years it drastically grew until reaching its peak during my master’s and later.
Now that I have given you the context, let me tell you about the incident that set the ball rolling in the opposite direction. I got a job in February 2023, and I was immediately made a lead on one of the projects. That project went on until the end of May 2023. What happened was, being my first job and directly put into this extremely important position, my anxiety and stress levels were through the roof. Hence, when the project was over in May and I was relieved, it was the month of June, and all the bottled-up stress and anxiety came out in full force with a panic attack. I remember when I had it, It felt like dying – chest pain, struggling to breathe, sheer terror, the whole nine yards. As one can imagine, it messed me up on multiple levels. The next day when I woke up, my initial reaction was, “How am I still alive? What was that? Why am I still alive?” And then came the huge “holy fuck, I am still alive” moment. All ranges of emotions, and for the first time I had experienced such extreme emotions. When I calmed down from the experience, I was more fascinated to know how each of those intense emotions felt. I understood: that this is what it means to feel something. It was a surreal experience for me, who was not at all tuned with his emotions.
But over the next few days and months, I grappled with this idea of death, and with all the knowledge I had accumulated over the years through Leo Gura, it all came to me – it all started making sense, and in that, I actualized “Death” as a concept. And how beautiful it is. I went from fearing it to loving it. The implications and the byproducts were huge; I was more emotionally tuned, my tone changed, my ego was destroyed, and my deep respect for life as a whole intensified. I remembered this all led to a different byproduct as well, which was that I now had intense empathy for all life around me – living and non-living – and a huge appreciation of how nature works, and a deeper connection with the life and death cycle that’s around us, in animals and plants, and even the non-living. I started to now feel the pain in people’s lives, people’s reasoning in some cases, which my previous version would have rejected for not being logical. I was able to understand what a person might have gone through and the emotions pain and suffering they had to endure; it was all so apparent. The result was that I was more aware of people, and suddenly my language changed, my connections with them changed, and the way I interacted with them changed. This was also noticed by close friends, specifically Kejal.
It’s now October 2024, and I am still understanding some factors and aspects of it. But I understood more and more of it as I started understanding the suffering of people. I started feeling sad for people, and since I already expressed less, there was this feeling that these people were suffering and fighting their internal battles – why should I talk about my struggles and add to their already big list? Hence, my talking went down, and my listening – which was already high – went even higher. It also took me in a different direction, where I was feeling depressed because of the understanding of suffering, both my own and other people’s. I feel this intense connection with people, but now I have become more susceptible to their pain and understand why they behave the way they do. So, this intense actualization of “Empathy” can also lead to this type of downfall. Another part of me, remnants of the old self, still pop up here and there, as I had to shed the skin I was carrying for almost 23-24 years.
Recently, I came across this podcast by Andrew Huberman, which gave me more food for thought. I would recommend anyone who wants to further understand and study the topic in depth to go watch the episode “Ari Wallach: Create Your Ideal Future Using Science-Based Protocols.” It expands more on coming closer to this understanding of death, and how we can use it as a tool to further our lives in a more positive and purpose-driven way. As I was listening to this podcast, everything I just talked about flashed right in front of my eyes, and it also validated the way I was thinking and understanding this concept of “Death.”
Now, one pitfall of this topic is that it’s very sensitive, and if you are already very emotional, you might end up in a dark place. So, I would recommend tackling this topic when you have your other fundamentals strong and your mind in the right place. But with the right mindset and support, understanding death can indeed deepen our appreciation of life and make our lives more purpose-driven.