In today's blog, we will be covering a broad range of related themes and topics, but I aim to stitch them together into a cohesive story.
As always, let's start with some context. From an early age, I was always fascinated by people, and their actions, reactions, and responses. I should say, I was unaware I was doing this; it was all subconscious. But I was an extreme introvert as a child. Somewhere between the ages of 14 and 16, I became more aware of how much data collection I had done as a child. Like any machine learning model, my modelling of people became extremely strong, with constant experimentation, “What if I say this? Let's predict a possible outcome. Was the outcome as expected? Yes? Reinforce the model. No? What can be changed? What parameters need to be adjusted? Now, do I get better results?”
You see, this made me understand people very well, or, for me, it was a survival mechanism. Unless I understood people and blended in, I would be unable to survive. Hence, it was crucial for me to perfect my people and social ML model. But there is a limit to how much we should train this model because if we push it too far, we enter the zone of manipulation. And that’s exactly what happened. I became an extremely good manipulator. With the correct wording and the right approach, I could make people do things as I wished since I already had the data to get the outcome I wanted.
Apart from this, I was, and still am, a very curious person. I sometimes say curiosity will kill me one day. Why? Because I asked too many questions at a very young age, ranging from the simple to the complex to the existential. And I got the answers at a very young age. In that sense, I consider myself gifted. So, combined my people-understanding model (psychology) with my world- and life-understanding model (philosophy), and I was, and still am, very powerful. But all this knowledge came to me too early, and now I see the side effects.
No matter how useful this knowledge is, it should come at the right time, when one is mentally ready and has enough experience to make sense of it all.
Now, you might ask me where I am going with this. The point is, I am now experiencing the negative effects of this in real time. It robbed me of the ability to experience the “Now” since childhood. Because even in the present moment, I am analyzing the past and the future, making predictions like an ML model. The result? I never did the things a normal child should have done. Second, my sense of “Self” diminished more and more as I grew up, making me view the world from a third-person perspective. Can you imagine how damaging this is? Losing both “Now” and “Self”? Now, add introversion into the mix. The result? Complete isolation and alienation from the social world and its experiences.
If someone asks me about my social structure, I am always left with a question mark. I have two close friends, but do I hang out with them frequently? Do I share with them? Do I do activities with them? The answer is a big fat No. But what else were we expecting?
Now, this is not all doom and gloom. I am a very stable person, grounded, and my ego has been humbled through negative experiences. And it was not all bad, because, at the end of the day, I was acquiring knowledge. Yes, it spiraled in directions I didn’t anticipate, but nonetheless, it was knowledge.
So what are the effects now? A fuck-load of confusion. But why? Why did it surface now? Because I am becoming even more aware. This is a journey of becoming more conscious, and that awareness is now telling me, “We fucked up big time.” See the subtle language difference in my previous sentence? I said “we” rather than “I fucked up.” That’s the level of dissociation from the self, the language itself has shifted to the third person. And now I am becoming aware of such things. But the mix isn’t complete yet. I am currently in my career stage, handling more responsibilities. Now, add that to the previous ingredients, and I am left with an utter lack of motivation. My inherent drive is disturbed because of this.
Where is all this leading? It’s leading to mental masturbation and excessive contemplation over action. Philosophy and psychology are applied sciences; you learn them through experience, through people and the world. But if you read everything above, you’ll notice the absence of the experience component. As a result, I understand exactly where I am going wrong, but I am unable to take action.
Recently, I came across a YouTube channel that started during COVID. In it, a man, relaxed, smoking a cigar on his ranch, preaches about self-care, self-motivation, and getting things in order. He said something beautiful: “The best buddy you have is yourself, and the more loving and caring that buddy is, the happier you will be. The more comfortable you will be in yourself and in your own skin.” That resonated with me deeply.
So, if you are in the same situation, I think the best way forward is to experience life, to do stupid things, to be in the “Now,” and to avoid analysis paralysis. And most importantly, to love yourself, care for yourself, and nurture yourself. Now, saying this is easy; implementing it is really difficult. I struggle with it because I can write it here in words, but I am not 100% sure how to go about implementing it. But I guess I have reached a stage of acceptance. I know these things need to be done. Unless I take care of them, I fear I will find myself in an even deeper hole than I already am. And trust me, the hole I am currently in is already big enough.
Resources:
Youtube Channel I was referring too: When You Just Ain’t Got it All Together