Everything Is Love (And She Showed Me How)

I have fallen in love a couple of times, 4 to be exact. At various stages of life: school, teenage years, college, and master's; after that, the love part kind of went away. But when I fell in love with one in college/engineering, that was the true moment I actually felt each and every hormone and chemical move inside of my body. Not that it didn't happen the other 3 times, but the most intense, the most potent, the most pure was during my engineering. At that time, life was good. This was pre-COVID. I was among the toppers, and I had the most beautiful girl in the college with me. Plus, I was spiritually awakened, the highest level of consciousness was achieved, so I was in the best possible mindset I could ever be. I only had that level of contentment when I was in Leeds. But that's a conversation for some other time.

Let's talk about this girl, a rich girl. When we first saw her in the first year of college, we were like she's beautiful and all, but two things turned people away: she was rich, she was way out of league for anyone, and she was extremely bubbly. Her energy was something I have never seen in anyone till this day, that's more than half a decade after the fact. But during my engineering, I was like, she is so untouchable that no one is shooting their shots, so let's mess around. Now, in the college status hierarchy, even though I am an extreme introvert, I was still at the top, so I had a hold on everything and everyone. So one day, the classes were done, and she was sitting there by herself, so I approached her, and I initiated the conversation as I had never done before. I went up to her, obviously she knew me, but not too much, so I said, "Hi, I want to talk to you, because you are all mysterious and I want to know you." She was so receptive that we spent the next 3 hours getting to know each other. I didn't go in there with the plan to talk for 3 fucking hours. But it was the most beautiful conversation. After that, we became kind of tight friends till the end of engineering. But I realized something after talking to her: the girl who people thought was just looks and no brain was actually both, she was fucking smart. Smarter than anyone. And me, I won't call myself sapiosexual, but I was fucking attracted to how intelligent she was. She had what I now call depth. We spoke about everything from movies to things we like to spirituality. And we had that instant bond as I have never seen before. I will tell about the 5th such case at the end.

There were layers to her, and as years passed, I was always captivated by how much depth she had. And that was fucking attractive. We spent almost every day at college together, and people started suspecting we were a couple. And each day, the energy she brought was something I had never experienced in my life and possibly will never experience again. The energy was so amazing, so positive, so happy, that it was addictive. Each day, the moment I woke up, I was wondering when I would meet her again. And it's not just because I was so much in love with her, it's that I actually understood her. Eventually, that energy was so much that it got passed on to me, and I was the most active and the most extroverted person I had ever been during those years. My sister, who is the closest to me, said, "I can sense love and happiness. Why are you talking so much? You don't talk so much." And I was like, well, I am with someone who has exponentially more energy than this.

I remember a specific moment, we were in Goa, and I heard a knock on my door in the morning, right there she stood, in the white dress, absolutely gorgeous, and she fucking holds my hand and pulls me to go with her for a ride. Those moments are so etched in my memory that now they're one of those memories I remember to calm myself down. I can never forget that. But together with her, I felt we could win the world; our potential was so high that we became formidable.

But here is the truth: things didn't turn out as I expected. When I expressed my feelings for her, I was insulted, left hanging as if nothing mattered. My whole universe turned upside down, and I spent the next two years recovering from that. The impact was so much that my whole worldview turned nihilistic, but I was still into spirituality and discovering a lot of philosophical ideas. So I tried doing a rebound relationship, but then that girl told me, "I know you still love her," and that I was just a placeholder. But then she said something even more interesting: she said, "You act like a robot," and that's why all of this happened. Then I spent the next couple of years working on emotions. And I fell into this rabbit hole of lifelong pursuit of self-actualization. The more I fell into actualization, I started realizing the constructs, and my whole view on life itself turned negative. No, obviously one might think actualization should lead to a more fulfilled and contented life. Well, that's true, I am not denying that, I am a more content and loving person. Because I realized that Love is everything. But what happened was, as I realized that Love is everything in this reality, I was so negative, so I thought for years, what does that ultimate Love, which we are learning from actualization perspective, look and feel like? And there it was one day, I was like let's remember the time I spent with this girl, and try to bring into the heart the exact feeling I had then, and there it was, I understood what universal Love looks and feels like. So now it acts as a north star whenever I feel like I have slid away from it. I just remember that, and I am filled with this Love that new age philosophy and also the Vedas talk about.

But why did I start writing about this? Well, before writing this blog, I was looking at her recent photos. And I have been through so many ups and downs, but every time I see her photos, they bring in some sort of kindness in me. And I fall over and over for her. Now it's not like it's one-sided love or anything, but I am always fascinated by her beauty. And as years go by, she keeps getting more beautiful. But we don't talk anymore, we are in completely different universes. Also funny how things changed, when I was with her, I used to tell her stuff about actualization and stuff, and she was like nah this is too much, I am not interested, but these days, whenever she posts her aesthetic posts, it's always some book with some philosophical stuff.

Well, that's it, I have never written so much about her.

Now, the 5th girl's story I mentioned. Well, with the 5th one, nothing happened, but maybe more time with her would have caused something to happen. So this story is when I was in Leeds. I had a girl in the office. Extremely intelligent, and fucking beautiful. And in the UK, Friday is drinking day; the bar next to our office offered beer for free. And we were all drinking, so I approached her. And I said, "Hi, I want to talk to you, because you are all mysterious and I want to know you." And again, we spent the next 2 hours talking on the very first interaction. And it's only now, as I am writing, that I realized it was a déjà vu. And again I fell for her. But this time I was scared. So I didn't get involved too much, and after that I left Leeds. But I am sure something would have happened if I had stayed there longer. But as I am writing this, I realized something, it seems like it mostly depends on the environment and the conditions and variables aligning. Because just like in college, the conditions in Leeds were all aligned, good job, nice city, extremely happy, and only then did the opportunity of love enter. So I think, for love to come into our lives, the conditions should align. But maybe I am missing something. Because it sounds too good to be true. But in a way, it also makes sense.