People and Mediocrity

Let me break this down into two parts: how I feel about people, and why I feel that way. This blog is meant to question and investigate the why, but as I write, I realize that first noting down what I feel about people is important before diving deeper.

My feelings about people are strong. On one hand, I am kind and loving towards them. On the other hand, I absolutely detest them. I won’t say hate, but it comes close. When I see my relatives or people drifting in and out of my life, I sometimes feel like vomiting. Their thoughts, their lifestyles, their views, their conversations, I don’t want to engage. There’s only one person I would say I hate-hate: one of my uncles. He’s not even close to me, but every time I see him, I feel like punching him in the face. What has he done to deserve my wrath? Nothing. It just is.

But then, as I write, I wonder, do I despise all people? Not really. I do admire some. Mostly great achievers. People who have done difficult things. I’m fascinated by historical figures, Napoleon, Hitler, Genghis Khan, the Romans, and the Vikings. Or from more recent history, Einstein, Newton, Hawking, Ramanujan. And many more whose names don’t come to mind right now.

The truth is, I just don’t want interaction. Don’t call me to events or functions. I won’t call you to mine. People outside my purview are, to me, expendable. My desire to live in a cabin probably stems from this, but I’m more of a city boy, so no, I won’t be going to a cabin.

Lately, I’ve been circling another thought: People and Mediocrity. I think my dislike comes from seeing people live mediocre lives. Mediocre thoughts. Mediocre everything. With no ambition to stand out, even in the smallest way. That disgusts me. But I don’t spare myself either. I keep showing myself the same mirror. I get angry when I see traces of mediocrity in my own life. Yes, I’ve done things differently, yes, I have things that make me stand out, but it’s never enough. That anger fuels me, pushes me in non-mediocre directions. Will I be the greatest thing humanity has ever seen? Probably not. But do I want to stand out from the people around me? Absolutely. When someone asks what I’ve done in life, I want to have a big fucking list.

That’s why I cut out unambitious people as a priority. And there are plenty of them, people who’ve spent their lives unaware, unconscious, just gliding. Sure, there are perks to that kind of living. But the downsides? Way more.

I know there are disadvantages to disliking people in general. You isolate yourself. But my urge not to communicate is almost cellular; my whole body repels people. Since unlocking empathy, though, I’ve become more sensitive, more caring, even if I feel repulsed. That’s recent. Before that, I lost a lot of people I had wished to keep, because I gave in completely to the repulsion.

And yet, I keep asking myself, where does this superiority complex come from? Partly from my grandfather, maybe hereditary. But not fully. Being an introvert, having an avoidant attachment style, and mixing it with a twisted philosophy, that combination might explain it. Still, I know I’m missing something. Hopefully, I’ll discover it soon.