The Joy and Cost of Being Alone: When You’re Too Comfortable With Yourself

I was recently in Goa. I was in a hotel this time, unlike usual, where I stay at Indraa’s house. I had a couple of pints with Indraa and had dinner, but I had to drive back, so I limited my alcohol consumption.

When I came back, there was a beer shop next to the hotel, and I was not satisfied with the amount of alcohol in my system. So I bought a pint, went to my room, and was enjoying it by myself. I was listening to music on my headphones, and one song just made me get out of my seat and start dancing. So I started playing track after track that I like, and I danced by myself for 45 minutes. By the end of it, I was happy.

But as I was dancing, a thought came to my mind: I am too comfortable with my own company. For a third person, this very situation is a very sad and depressing situation to be in. So I wrote down this topic in my notes.

I am a single child. Now add introversion to that child, a sprinkle of tism, and you get the perfect combo. I used to play by myself in my childhood. I used to draw, I used to play with my toys, I used to build stuff out of this engineering game my parents had gifted me for hours, and I used to do all this alone. It’s not sad in any way; it just was like that.

Because of that, as I grew up, but still as a kid, I used to think alone, and there was no one guiding or steering my thoughts in a specific direction to bias me. No matter how simple, dark, or deep the thoughts were, they were all with me and me alone, and it was up to me to dissect them, understand them, make meaning, and form patterns. So I was always that kid who was aloof in his own thoughts, not interacting with people a lot. And I was a happy kid, by the way. I enjoyed thinking for days and days, even as a kid. I realized later that I used to do that when I became older. So till this day, I enjoy doing that.

Then came computers into my life. I had one from almost my birth. My dad was among the early adopters of computers/PCs in those days, so we had one at home. I used to play games, watch movies my brothers gave me, listen to music that my sister used to give me, and then I learned torrents from my brothers, and that opened the world to me.

But I had a fixed time in which I was allowed to spend time on the computer. As I grew up, and as my parents saw I liked computers a lot, they allowed me to spend more and more time on it. So this was again a solo activity I used to enjoy, and I still enjoy.

All of this led me to become an individual thinker and someone who enjoys being alone. Not because I learned to enjoy it, but because I was like that from day one. So as I grew up to an age where I could go out alone, that opened even more gates.

I love watching movies. So I enjoy going alone to the movies. I almost hate it when someone is with me, especially if they keep talking between scenes. I am very comfortable eating, living, travelling, working, drinking, and clubbing alone. I don’t need anyone, nor do I wish I had someone. Yes, when I fell in love a few times, I enjoyed their company. And it’s not that I don’t like doing all these things with someone. But if I am ever in a situation where I have to do them alone, I am completely fine, and I will enjoy it more.

Then came the spiritual journey arc in my life around my bachelor’s degree. I grew to love myself even more, being comfortable with who I am, and forming a stronger connection with myself. This basically eliminated any need for support, motivation, or a therapist in my life because I am those for me. So self-reliance went up. A strong self-talk, which was so strong, I overcame depression multiple times alone and came out stronger and better each time. Since childhood, I have held the belief that we are born alone and we die alone, so we should take care of ourselves.

As I grew up and interacted with the world, my disgust and disappointment in people grew. And I became sort of an antisocial person. And since I was strong on my own, when people thought of hurting me, it hurt, but I was there for myself, so they were always shocked when I came back even stronger. Because I had that fuck-you energy. But I was never rude to anyone, always kind and polite.

This relationship with myself allowed me to see people almost with X-ray vision. I can immediately figure out who is bullshitting. And there is another part of me as well, which I will discuss in another blog: I myself have a full-on fake facade over me, which I have spent decades perfecting. Very few people are allowed to see what’s on the inside. So I can immediately spot the facade that other people have because theirs is imperfect.

Anyways, you might question what the effect of all this was on my social life. Well, it’s exactly as you expect. I have very few friends. No love life.

In conclusion, I would recommend building that self-love and making it better as you grow. But remember, if you take it to the extreme like me, you might end up in a place where you are too comfortable being alone and miss out on people, love and relationships. You might become a non-accommodating person. You might be annoyed at every stupid thing other people do.

I was recently watching this video, and they said, “You know you are fucked when you start enjoying drinking alone in your own company.” And that’s exactly what I was doing in the opening of this blog. See, I am proud of how I can come back and stitch things together.

But then, I am not perfect. There’s this last part left, which I have to perfect. It will impact some relationships, but in the long run, it will attract the right people. And that thing is setting boundaries. This is something I have not learned, and I am realizing that as a part of self-love, I need a framework of go/no-go rules which will make me even happier. And maybe this is a topic for some other blog as well.

That’s it. See you in the next one.