Love, Longing and Alienation

The last two days have been weird for me. I am stuck with the topic of Love. The thought started when I felt like I long for love so much that it crushes my heart. I also felt a disconnect between the type of love I believe in and the type people usually refer to. I might be emotionally disabled, but the fact is, deep down, I am a person with an abundance of love like no other. My definitions of Love come from Leo Gura; hence, my Love is towards everything and everyone, and in abundance. But over the years, there has been a constant struggle between actuality and theory. No matter how much I give out Love, it is never reciprocated in whatever form or with whomever. And for some reason, I still keep giving it out selflessly. The only thing that has happened over time is that love has gotten colder. Sometimes I feel, what’s the point of Loving in the first place? But then again, it is something that brings meaning to life. To Love people and life in a limitless fashion is the only thing we can do. But the issue is: I have never really experienced it. And even when I did, in short bursts of time, I was betrayed, laughed at, ignored, rejected, hurt. And to some extent, my own ego was also part of that blockage of Love.

But why bring this topic up right now? With the addition of being isolated, that longing for Love feels like the most natural thing to expect. Day by day, I feel like my family and friends seem to drift farther and farther away, and a sense of alienation is creeping up. Sometimes I feel like this is the price I have to pay, the sacrifice I have to make for the life I live and want to live. But then one might say, it’s a twisted way to look at it.

One might ask, Why do you feel alienated? Well, I see the people around me, and I instantly get this feeling that they don't need me there. Like, I am a burden. Like, I am just a ghost in their life, they have to deal with me from time to time. I sometimes want to test a hypothesis: if I just fucked off to a random place one day, would anyone come looking? My bet: none. Am I being too dramatic? Maybe. But they would look for a few days and then not care for a second. So the other way of looking at it is, am I part of the problem then? The answer is most likely yes. My ability not to need people in life and my tendency toward superficial relations might be the reason for this alienation. My inability to connect with people on a deeper level is a whole mystery. I will react and interact just like anybody else, but I know, deep down, it’s a masterful choreography of actions and emotions I’ve learned over years of observing, manipulating, and experimenting with people, just to get the right responses.

So then, how can we distribute Love to superficial things? Well, that Love is beyond all of that; it is given to anyone, regardless, without discrimination. But I am not sure if anybody can give me back the kind of Love I give out. Even if it’s the “normal” people-love we’re talking about, I have yet to experience someone falling in love with me on a deeper level. Because at this point, I am all about someone taking me into their arms, cuddling all day, vacations on the beach, and, you know, the rest of the shebang. But I don’t know if this is going to remain a fantasy I just have to deal with.

On another note, I have masterfully combined two topics in my writing. I had originally planned to write two separate blogs about “Longing for Love” and “Alienation of Friends,” but here I have woven them together perfectly. Sometimes I’m fascinated with how I can write deep stuff like this, even when I have no real experience in writing.