Performative male syndrome, but with a positive take.

I’ve been thinking about “performative male syndrome.” There’s a whole frenzy about this new classification of men who basically “perform” in order to be with women. But then you might ask: how is that different from the normal thing?

If you’re not aware of the phenomenon, here’s the short version. There’s a visual built around these men: the guy with a tote bag, retro earbuds, and a book, posting up at coffee shops. Pro feminism, pro LGBTQ, pro everything “woke.” The idea is that since you agree with most of the stuff women are into, you’re basically putting on a performance to signal you’re safe and aligned.

And the irony is, the opposite often happens. Women are repulsed by it because they can smell the performance. If it feels like an act, it reads like an act.

So yeah, that’s the term.

But let’s go a bit deeper. People have already dug into this topic, and I can point you to a Chris Williamson podcast episode: The Performative Male Epidemic - Louise Perry & Mary Harrington (4K). I’m not trying to rehash all of that. I want to talk about something more personal.

I went on a date recently. The date itself isn’t the point. The point is what hit me afterwards while I was headed home:

Am I a performative male?

And the answer that came up was a surprising “yes.”

And I was like, woah, woah, woah, hold on. Where did that come from? Really?

And my mind was like: yeah, unfortunately, you fit the criteria.

Then the next questions followed, one after another:

1. Why do I fit the “performative male” archetype?

2. Is it a good or bad thing?

3. Is it that bad?

4. And most importantly: am I doing it to attract women?

Why did my mind say “yes”?

Because I do a lot of the things I just described. I haven’t reached the tote bag stage yet, though.

But I’m definitely that guy sitting in a cafe with headphones, working on this very blog. I do read philosophy, so I guess that makes me a “book guy.” I’m not 100% woke, but to some extent I am. Can’t deny it.

At the same time, I’m also conservative. You can read about that in my previous blogs.

So on the surface, I check enough boxes to get labelled.

Is it a good thing or a bad thing?

Here’s the twist: even if it started as “performative,” it didn’t stay that way.

At some point, I genuinely started liking those things.

And there’s nothing wrong with liking some of the stuff women are into, or more broadly, stuff a typical guy group might not validate. The kind of thing where someone goes, “Bro, that’s too gay,” like enjoying cafes, reading, being emotionally aware, or having opinions that aren’t fueled by testosterone and internet rage.

As I progressed spiritually, I realized something: attunement with the feminine side of oneself is crucial for balanced growth.

But men get penalized for that. Usually by other men.

So the “proper stable guy” is cultivated in a very specific shape: raw, aggressive, rough, and emotionally illiterate. And if you deviate from that, you get mocked back into compliance.

That’s not a strength. That’s just a social costume, too.

Am I doing it to attract women?

For me, no.

And that’s the key distinction.

I genuinely like sitting in cafes, drinking fancy coffee, and “performing” to work, because my blogs are actually written in cafes. It keeps my creative juices going. It has no relation to, and no intention of, attracting women.

So when people say “it’s performative,” my response is: maybe it looks like a performance from the outside, but from the inside, it’s just my real life.

So is it that bad?

Here’s my take:

If you’re performing to attract women, and you think doing all this woke shit will make women like you, then yeah, it’s bad. Not because the positions are inherently wrong, but because you’re not being honest. You’re outsourcing your personality to whatever you think will get you approved.

But if you’re not doing it for attention, if you genuinely like it, if it’s actually you?

Then do as much “performance” as you want.

No one cares.

And if someone does, fuck them.

The real issue isn’t the tote bag or the coffee shop or the opinions. Its authenticity. People can tell when you’re trying to be a person instead of being one.

And the funniest part is: the men who scream about “performative males” are often performing too. Just in the opposite direction.

Same insecurity, different costume.