Two Sins: Pacts, Gods, And Self-talk

This is a slightly different blog from my previous ones. This blog is very personal, and no one has ever heard of it, neither my friends nor my parents. And I think, with that fact, you will be the select few who will know this. Well, what’s all this secrecy about? Well, I have to tell you that I am a very hyper-rational person and an atheist. I think that should be the foundation. But this blog is about religion and gods, and superstition. Crazy, right? I didn’t believe that one day I would write about superstition.

This is interesting, because as I was thinking about this blog, I was thinking about how I would convey a concept, but then something triggered. We will set up the premise with anime. Yup, anime will explain it pretty nicely. So here’s a small lesson: in anime, specifically like Chainsaw Man, or Jujutsu Kaisen, or many like them, where there are demons or curses, you make a “Pact” with them. This “Pact” allows you to utilize the powers of the demons or curses, but in return, you need to sacrifice something. It can be eyes, arms, legs, or someone else, but there needs to be some sacrifice. And the more the sacrifice, the more power of that demon you can use. And this is related to my first sin/mistake.

When I was young, I was more into gods and religion. And at a dumb age, I made a “Pact” with the gods. The terms were like this: “If I am offered intelligence and power, I would sacrifice relationships, specifically romantic relationships.” And I didn’t just do it once, I did it again and again, unconsciously. Now, call it a superstition or a self-fulfilling prophecy, things did happen exactly as the terms of the “Pact.” My scores went up, and just to let you know, I was a very average kid at the time, and I went straight to being among the toppers. It was also the rise of my consciousness, and the cycle repeated, and I gained more and more intelligence and power and confidence. But with that came the sacrifice part. I have basically been single for all my life, with no official relationships. I loved people, and the more I sacrificed for the “Pact,” the more I lost them.

For quite some time, I have been blaming myself for there being something wrong with me, and that I must improve myself to be capable of these women. But deep down, I knew that for the sake of those grades and power, at each point I sacrificed these relationships.

This “Pact” with the gods, the universe, reality, the consciousness, whatever you want to call it, has proven to be the most satisfying and the most damaging thing in my life.

Now let’s move to the second sin. For this, I have to tell you a story. I have been building up my skills from childhood to become a DJ. So when I ultimately landed my first gig, it was a New Year’s gig. I was playing tracks I didn’t want, but I was like, this is my first gig, and it’s only upwards from here. But there were a couple of things. I was so young, a lot of ego, and I mean a lot, and I had false expectations because I grew up learning DJing from international gurus. That being said, we ended the gig successfully. We packed up our stuff, and just imagine, I was so young that my parents had come to pick me up. So the organizer who had booked me stopped me and said, here is the money for you for today’s gig. I said thank you, and we headed home.

After I reached home, I opened the envelope, and it had 1K rupees. That’s a lot for a kid. But my expectation was 10K rupees. So I fought with the person who booked me. He said, you don’t know the value of this money. And in hindsight, he was right. I had no gratitude for the money, no matter how small. In Indian religion, that means you didn’t appreciate “Laxmi”, that’s the goddess of money, wealth, and prosperity. And all I had done was anger the gods with my attitude towards that money.

Guess what happened next. To this day, as I am writing this blog, I have not earned a single rupee from DJing. I did earn some money with music production in terms of royalties, but nothing significant. You see, I was basically cursed from that day onwards. What followed was even worse. I had to go through a fuck load of money problems, and it’s only recently that I was able to turn the situation around, by making amends with the gods. And it’s basically again that I made the “Pact”: money for the sacrifice of relationships. But there were a lot of other things as well. It’s said Laxmi blesses you if you are disciplined with your money, if you manage your finances properly, and that’s exactly what happened. Because of all the money-related trauma I have, I am very careful with my money. I have basically taken care of most of the Finance 101 stuff, and I am super proud of it. But I’ve got to say, no matter how much money I spend, I have a lot left over. It’s always like, “maybe I spent a lot,” but then when I see my digital wallets, there’s always more money. This again falls into the category of superstition or self-fulfilling prophecy.

You see, the “Pacts” we make at an early age can turn out to be extremely powerful, especially if they are made unconsciously. You might end up sacrificing something that you didn’t realize was of value, or will be the most valuable. But if we slightly get out of this superstition stuff, it simply means you're making up your mind about something in your life and sacrificing something to achieve something. But in the pursuit, you don’t realize what you lost or what you are losing. Now I look back, and these two sins are reminded to me regularly because they have been so impactful in shaping my life. And deep down, they hurt a lot. But they have also taught me to be more grateful and to show gratitude whenever I receive something, no matter how small or big.

I don’t know how to conclude, as always, but I hope you got to know something very personal about me. The purpose I wanted to share this was to showcase how negative self-talk hampers your progress. If you see, this is nothing but negative self-talk, and that talk eventually becomes reality. So I am very mindful these days of the quality and type of thoughts I have, to ensure that I am not doing this negative self-talk and making unconscious pacts.