When Identity Starts Falling Apart

Growing up, we form hardcore identities for ourselves. It’s unconscious, and nothing is wrong with it. It’s the way it should be. When we say identities, it can mean who we are, what we do, what we believe, what our non‑negotiables are, and so on. For most of our lives, we stand by those identities. As we grow up, we slightly modify them due to maturity and just as a part of growing up. But from what I’ve seen, we don’t deviate a lot from the core beliefs and systems we formed earlier in life. The only time we might drastically change these identities is when there’s a major life event or a massive trauma, because that jolts them. And since they’re no longer working, you might end up completely replacing them. But in most cases, this doesn’t happen, and we maintain those identities.

I was aware of these identities, or rather the concept of identities, but never really actualized them. It’s only recently that I was able to understand them in a somewhat truer sense.

Let’s briefly look at what these identities are.

• My name is Prathamesh.

• I am a Hindu by birth.

• I am an atheist.

• I am a music producer.

• I am an AI engineer.

• I support LGBTQ+.

• I support preserving the environment.

• I am against the woke movement.

• I support feminism.

• I like coding and homelabbing.

• I like philosophy and psychology.

• I am a writer.

• I am a YouTuber.

And so on and so on, the list can keep going.

The sentences “I identify as XYZ,” “I believe in XYZ,” and “I stand by XYZ.” These identities play two roles. One, they add to the definition of self. Two, they are crucial in socializing. I think as you start working on deeper stuff and start understanding spiral dynamics and stages of ego development, you realize that identifying these identities is the first step. One can’t change the definition of self without first understanding the existing definition. I had been unknowingly on this quest of adding more and more definitions to myself.

The advantage of that is that you can be extremely articulate about yourself. I realized this when I was in therapy, talking to my therapist. As I was explaining my issues, I noticed that my understanding of self was so thorough that I could properly articulate the issues and the whys behind them. So one might question: if that’s the case, why do therapy in the first place? And you’d be right. I know that I don’t need therapy. But in some ways, therapy acts more as a tool for self‑discovery and exploring thought lines rather than resolving issues.

What I’m realizing these days is that most people stop at what I mentioned above, and I’m talking about very few people who even get that far. I knew there was more. I had heard about what’s next, but I was never able to understand it completely because I wasn’t developed enough. Now I’m starting to get a glimpse of what’s next. This blog is that exploration.

The more you advance on this journey, the pendulum starts swinging in the opposite direction, where you begin losing identities one by one. And to be honest, to any normal person, and to some extent, even to me, it’s terrifying. You’ve held on to these identities for decades, and now you’re losing them. It starts with small things, and in most cases, you end up supporting both sides, or rather all sides, of an argument. You suddenly support LGBTQ+ and also find yourself agreeing with Andrew Tate in certain contexts. You’re leftist, rightist, and centrist all at once. I had a lower‑level blog earlier about being a conservative liberal, and this feels like the next stage of that.

But this isn’t limited to logical or political domains. It also means questioning scientific methods. Maybe that conspiracy has some grounds of truth. Maybe religion isn’t entirely bad. And just like that, you start going down the rabbit hole, questioning everything.

Finally, I’m at a stage where saying “I am XYZ,” “I want to do XYZ,” or “I believe in XYZ” feels odd. Do I want to marry? Yes and no. Do I want kids? Yes and no. Do I want to be a music producer? Do I want to be an AI engineer? Yes and no. Sticking to single answers feels wrong. Everything starts feeling cringe. The guy who’s too obsessed with music production, the guy who’s too deep into tech, someone who’s too liberal, everything becomes an ick. This extends to things like not standing by a specific ideology or a fixed morality.

These are incredibly difficult things to give up. You might agree with Andrew Tate being correct in some cases even if you support LGBTQ+. But can you justify terrorism? What are your thoughts on death? These are extremely difficult topics. But what if I challenge you to give up morality altogether? That’s a tough pill to swallow. Can you stop assigning good and bad to things? What if I say killing is good? Can you truly understand that? Can you stand by it?

Let’s be clear: I don’t, and neither should you, actually stand by that. Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately, we live in a moral society. And if natural systems have evolved to create a moral society, then in the grander scheme, it might be a good thing. Think about it: would you want to live in an amoral society? If yes, you should be completely fine with someone randomly coming up to you, pointing a gun at you, and robbing you. See how tricky this gets.

But let’s come back to me. These days, I don’t identify as anything. I don’t stand by any morals, beliefs, or ideology. Everything is fair in my playbook. And yes, the gun‑pointing scenario is also okay. Yes, I’m fully committed. Is it terrifying? Absolutely. I’d be lying if I said otherwise.

But I should warn you, there are cons to this. Yes, you might have risen to some advanced stage of ego development and spiral dynamics, but when you come back down, you become an ambiguous person. You become uncertain. And people want certainty. Hell, you yourself want certainty, and that’s the terrifying part.

For me, I’m so latched onto certainty that I know deep down the day I finally become comfortable with uncertainty will be the most beautiful day. Until then, marriage prospects and love prospects dwindle because of that ambiguity. And those identities we talked about, they help with socializing, because people want to belong to a group. Historically, belonging to a group was directly coupled with survival.

If I go to an AI developers’ meetup, because I belong to the developer community and truly believe in that identity, all of a sudden, I have a huge community with me, like‑minded individuals. But then I’m tied to the identity of being an AI engineer. So if you’re someone who needs people, maybe leaving these identities isn’t such a great idea.

This journey I’m talking about is a very lonely, isolating one. Is it worth taking? Absolutely. But is it for everyone? Not really. You’re basically becoming antisocial, because now you don’t identify with anything at all. You don’t belong, or rather, you don’t want to belong, to a specific group or a specific way of thinking.

So you might ask, what’s the next step? After reading all this, you might think you become non‑inclusive to everything. But in reality, the next step is becoming all‑inclusive. It’s not that you’re rejecting everything; it’s that you’re questioning everything. You’re becoming extremely flexible in the truest sense.

And what happens when you become all‑inclusive? You come closer to grasping true love and true consciousness. And the pursuit itself is enough for a lifetime, even if you never fully reach it.

That’s it. I had no idea I’d end up writing such a huge blog.